Well, my single hiatus has (unfortunately or fortunately, depending how you look at it...) come to an end. Good or bad? That's yet to be determined.
The ending of a relationship or "the break-up" makes you question why you even put yourself through the game of dating. When you're in a relationship, of course, the last thing you think of is the dreaded break-up. It's all rainbows and butterflies in the beginning. You overlook each other's flaws, or you just don't see them. You want to do everything you can to spend every moment with this person. You're honestly trying to be the best version of you that you can be. This could be the one, right? Maybe all those awful (but hilarious stories later told) first dates will come to an end. Maybe this time, just maybe, you struck gold. Then, real life gets in the way. Obligations of work, family, friends, your hobbies, bills, etc. start coming back in to focus. You're comfortable now. You're in an adult relationship. (Wow, so this is what it feels like?!)
Then somewhere, somehow the rainbows and butterflies fade. Things start to get rough. It's now time to flip the river card. Do you go all in hoping for the best? You've got a decent hand. Or, do you cash in and call it a good run? One or both parties eventually choose the latter, and decide they just can't/won't/don't want to do it anymore. Everyone goes through this at some point. Some of us are unlucky enough to go through it more than once.
Then comes the heart break. The pain of heartache that you have done everything in your power to forget rears its hideous head and says, "Hey, have you missed me?" No!! Beat it! You're an asshole. You suddenly identify with Taylor Swift songs (you've got to be kidding me!). "Total Eclipse of the Heart" (I prefer the Tori Amos cover) is a MUST in your break-up playlist you created to listen to whilst drowning your sorrows with booze, or ice cream, or whatever is in your pantry as you scroll through old pictures of you and your former lover. (My relationship is over. Don't you judge me!) You're knee deep in wadded up tissues watching those fucking awful romantic comedies that just make everything worse. Your family and girlfriends (and some amazing guy friends) check in with you regularly. You're now on suicide watch. Not really, but it feels that way.
This sadness consumes your entire being. You wonder if the pain will ever go away. An hour seems like a day; a day a month; a month a year, and so on. Nights are restless. Appetite comes and goes. The desire to call and text your now ex (ew, I hate that word) is overwhelming. But, you know better than to chase after what isn't chasing you. You're a smart gal. You know his chips have been cashed in. It's painful. It's awful. But, it is what it is. You replay the last moments in your head. Regret comes in. Should you have acted differently? Could you have acted differently? It's of no use, really. You'll never get these answers. Yet, you continue to torture yourself with the "What ifs?"
You know that nothing will be the same between you two again. That's what is the most painful, I think. Even if you somehow become friends again (which is damn near impossible, let's be honest), what will that look like? The nights of silliness and laughing until your gut hurts aren't in your future, at least with Mr. Yesterday. They won't be the first person you call when something good or bad happens. It is going to look more like an awkward hello, and hoping that your mutual friends (should you have any after the ashes fall) don't invite you both to the same event for the next 5-10 years.
This is reality. It's hard to see through the tears and sadness, but this will be a lesson. You'll learn from it. You'll find who really cares about you and who doesn't. You're going to be a hot mess for weeks or months or (hopefully not) longer. But you'll survive. You always do. In these dark moments, you swear off dating for the rest of your life (even though everyone knows that'll last only until a Robert Downey Jr. look alike asks to buy you a drink and you say yes, even though you know better).
You keep on the dating game because in middle of it all, you were happy. You were without a doubt deliriously happy. Maybe only for a short while, but you were in a state where you smiled so much that your cheeks hurt. The companionship and friendship you shared was real, and it was amazing. That's what you're searching for, just a more permanent version. Love, real love. That's why you put yourself out there. It's why you let your guard down, and become uncomfortably vulnerable. It's an experience unlike any other: exciting and scary all at the same time.
But life goes on. The tears will stop -- they always do. The heartache will fade -- it always does. It WILL get better. Maybe you will find someone, maybe you won't. Either way, you'll eventually pour yourself a drink, put some bright red lipstick on, and pull yourself together.
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