“Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick, and pull yourself together.”

Well, my single hiatus has (unfortunately or fortunately, depending how you look at it...) come to an end. Good or bad? That's yet to be determined. 

The ending of a relationship or "the break-up" makes you question why you even put yourself through the game of dating. When you're in a relationship, of course, the last thing you think of is the dreaded break-up. It's all rainbows and butterflies in the beginning. You overlook each other's flaws, or you just don't see them. You want to do everything you can to spend every moment with this person. You're honestly trying to be the best version of you that you can be. This could be the one, right? Maybe all those awful (but hilarious stories later told) first dates will come to an end. Maybe this time, just maybe, you struck gold. Then, real life gets in the way. Obligations of work, family, friends, your hobbies, bills, etc. start coming back in to focus. You're comfortable now. You're in an adult relationship. (Wow, so this is what it feels like?!) 

Then somewhere, somehow the rainbows and butterflies fade. Things start to get rough. It's now time to flip the river card. Do you go all in hoping for the best? You've got a decent hand. Or, do you cash in and call it a good run? One or both parties eventually choose the latter, and decide they just can't/won't/don't want to do it anymore. Everyone goes through this at some point. Some of us are unlucky enough to go through it more than once. 

Then comes the heart break. The pain of heartache that you have done everything in your power to forget rears its hideous head and says, "Hey, have you missed me?" No!! Beat it! You're an asshole. You suddenly identify with Taylor Swift songs (you've got to be kidding me!). "Total Eclipse of the Heart" (I prefer the Tori Amos cover) is a MUST in your break-up playlist you created to listen to whilst drowning your sorrows with booze, or ice cream, or whatever is in your pantry as you scroll through old pictures of you and your former lover. (My relationship is over. Don't you judge me!) You're knee deep in wadded up tissues watching those fucking awful romantic comedies that just make everything worse. Your family and girlfriends (and some amazing guy friends) check in with you regularly. You're now on suicide watch. Not really, but it feels that way.

This sadness consumes your entire being. You wonder if the pain will ever go away. An hour seems like a day; a day a month; a month a year, and so on. Nights are restless. Appetite comes and goes. The desire to call and text your now ex (ew, I hate that word) is overwhelming. But, you know better than to chase after what isn't chasing you. You're a smart gal. You know his chips have been cashed in. It's painful. It's awful. But, it is what it is. You replay the last moments in your head. Regret comes in. Should you have acted differently? Could you have acted differently? It's of no use, really. You'll never get these answers. Yet, you continue to torture yourself with the "What ifs?"

You know that nothing will be the same between you two again. That's what is the most painful, I think. Even if you somehow become friends again (which is damn near impossible, let's be honest), what will that look like? The nights of silliness and laughing until your gut hurts aren't in your future, at least with Mr. Yesterday. They won't be the first person you call when something good or bad happens. It is going to look more like an awkward hello, and hoping that your mutual friends (should you have any after the ashes fall) don't invite you both to the same event for the next 5-10 years.

This is reality. It's hard to see through the tears and sadness, but this will be a lesson. You'll learn from it. You'll find who really cares about you and who doesn't. You're going to be a hot mess for weeks or months or (hopefully not) longer. But you'll survive. You always do. In these dark moments, you swear off dating for the rest of your life (even though everyone knows that'll last only until a Robert Downey Jr. look alike asks to buy you a drink and you say yes, even though you know better). 

You keep on the dating game because in middle of it all, you were happy. You were without a doubt deliriously happy. Maybe only for a short while, but you were in a state where you smiled so much that your cheeks hurt. The companionship and friendship you shared was real, and it was amazing. That's what you're searching for, just a more permanent version. Love, real love. That's why you put yourself out there. It's why you let your guard down, and become uncomfortably vulnerable. It's an experience unlike any other: exciting and scary all at the same time. 

But life goes on. The tears will stop -- they always do. The heartache will fade -- it always does. It WILL get better. Maybe you will find someone, maybe you won't. Either way, you'll eventually pour yourself a drink, put some bright red lipstick on, and pull yourself together. 

That Awkward Moment When You Correct My Grammar, and You're Wrong

Having graduated with a degree in English Education, I pride myself in the ability to use correct grammar. Now, I know I'm human. I have made my share of mistakes -- even *GASP* with grammar. Ironically, because I have such a "passion" for the proper use of the English language, many people feel inclined to correct me. (If I had my way, I'd be correcting posts on Facebook all day long. However, I'm not an asshole, so I don't).

I recently updated my bio on the dating sites to include a disclaimer paragraph, so to speak. In summary, the disclaimer says to not message me if you don't have a handle on basic grammar. It is a huge pet peeve when someone writes to me, 'Your so beautiful!" REALLY? How is this concept so difficult to grasp? I can't even be flattered by the compliment. I'm so annoyed at the improper use of "your," I want to punch something!  Get it together, people!

Today, I received a message from a guy claiming that he found a grammatical error in my bio. Like I mentioned above, I'm human, so this is possible (but highly unlikely). If I'm writing about grammar, I tend to read and re-read everything to make sure I'm not making a fool out of myself. Of course, because I do pride myself in my grammatical skills, I am quite defensive when individuals attempt to correct me. I don't like being wrong, but I will admit to it if I am.

The bald and unattractive man claimed that my sentence ending "'one of the boys.'" had an incorret usage of punctuation. He claimed it should read, "'one of the boys'." (Deep breaths, Melissa. It will be okay.) Since he is bald and unattractive, I normally would not reply (see previous post about taking a hint). This douche, however, took it too far (or I'm overreacting -- both very probable).

I replied, "Actually, comma and periods always go inside quotation marks." I also included a link to the Purdue University writing guide for citation. #winning. He replied with some tail-between-his-legs comment, and I immediately deleted it.

Today's lesson: If you are going to correct a Grammar Nazi's grammar, make sure you are actually correct. Not only does this guy have nothing going for him in the looks category, we now find out that he also is poorly educated. Good luck finding a girl, bud!

Take a Hint

I recently posted about Internet Dating being our friend. While I still hold true to this statement (mostly), I'd like to offer a few words of advice.

If you send a message, and the girl (or guy) doesn't reply, go ahead and safely assume they are not interested. Since I joined the site, I have had quite a few guys send multiple messages -- even after I didn't reply. If you keep messaging me when I have not replied, I'm going to realize that my choice in not replying to you was completely valid, and then categorize you as a creepy, insecure stalker. Now, scoot!

I'm not an ugly girl (I've received many messages asking why someone as good looking and awesome seeming as me is on these sites to begin with [fabulous question...wish I knew the answer]), but by no means am I a super model. So, I get honestly at least five messages a day. While this can go to my head a little, it still doesn't change the fact that a lot of guys out there are trolls. There's no way I'm going to reply to every single one of them.

Here's what happens when you message me:

On one site, my settings are set so you can't email me unless you have pictures. Hey, let's be honest -- I'm not going to start talking to a guy that I'm not physically attracted to...it's just not going to happen -- it's a dating site for crying out loud! If this is the first message the guy has sent me, his message appears with his pictures attached. Pretty nifty if you ask me! The message typically comments on something I've written on my profile or one of my pics. Props to you for taking the time to read my bio and look at my pictures. I really do appreciate it, and am flattered, honestly! After I've read Mr. IDontCheat69's message, I usually see the pictures attached, then mosey on over to his page. I check out his stats and pics. If I'm not interested (which is usually the case...so disappointing, because he has a lot going for him being that he's only 5'6 and collects guns for a living), I go back to the message and delete it (there is a storage capacity, and I'm saving mine for Tony Stark's doppelganger).

While it may not be the best approach, I think it's far more bitchy to reply, "Sorry you're bald, not interested;" or, "Sorry, you look like a douche, not interested;" or "Get serious." or, "You're 5'6. How would I be able to wear heels around you?" Instead, I opt to simply not reply. It's the easiest shut down -- and least time consuming.

Usually, after the second time messaging me, guys finally get the hint. However, one dude just didn't get it. Here's how the conversation went:

1st message: "Hey there you look super familiar, do you ever hit up any of the clubs in Salt Lake? Or do you ever work out at any of the gyms in the Salt Lake area; I have been a personal trainer for years.

My thoughts: "Really, dude? I look familiar to you? I'm not a fat ass, so clearly I do some sort of exercise. The majority of people attend local clubs and/or work out. Completely unoriginal." I then scroll through his pics while thinking, "Douche. Douche. Double douche."

The next day, 2nd message: "Hey there girl what's up, how's your day going? Hey do you mind if I ask this? You seem like a fun girl and very cute! How are you still single? Are you hitting up any fun places this weekend?"

My thoughts: *Eye roll.* "He can't even punctuate properly!" Then delete. Guess he didn't get the clue yesterday when I didn't respond...

10 minutes later (not kidding), 3rd message: "I have sent you a couple messages, and I noticed you never responded. Do you mind if I ask why? Is there something I did to offend you? You seem like a really fun and nice girl to talk to."

Normally, I wouldn't have responded (again), but this day, I just couldn't resist. I would have just deleted it. I want you to see this man in all of his glory, and take a moment to guess at why I wouldn't reply to him.

You figure it out yet? So yes, this guy is clearly a winner! I must have been on crack when I decided to not reply. Actually no, I wasn't. This day, I was in a more bitchy mood than usual, so I couldn't help but respond. Snookie thinks I should keep this response for future douches.

Here's what I replied: "First not trying to sound cocky or conceited, but I am bombarded with messages all day. If I don't respond, it just means I'm not interested. End of story. I would, however, like to shed some light on why I didn't respond. It may help you with your future attempts on this site. First, your message is seemingly nice. When I went to your profile however, I found that you have a picture with you and two random girls. I mean, that's awesome that you can get chicks, but why are you on here if there's not a shortage where you are? Then, you have pictures of you with your shirt off. I don't feel this really requires an explanation, but here goes...you clearly work hard to maintain your body, which I can appreciate, honestly. But, maybe leave a little something for the imagination, huh? The shirtless pictures scream douche bag. Those type of pictures work for some girls, not me. This is why I initially didn't reply. After I didn't reply, however, you send not one, but TWO more messages. Really? Sorry dude, but this just makes you look desperate and creepy (neither are attractive qualities, and it makes me wonder if you paid the chicks in the above mentioned photo to pose with you). You sending me additional messages after I didn't reply to the first two indicate that my first decision about not replying was the correct one. Anyway, there's your answer. I do hope you find what you're looking for, and I wish you the best of luck."

So, maybe, just maybe, I was a little hard on the guy. But good lord, really? You can't expect anything less. My motto is, "Never ask a question to which you really don't want the answer." I'm not going to sugar coat it. I figured I would help guide this mislead soul. Turns out, he still has all of the same pictures up, so mission was not accomplished. *Shaking my head.*

Lesson for the day: know when to say when.

*Update* Mr. RSL Fan and I had our date. It was okay, not the best first date I've been on, but fun nonetheless. I am sorry to report that he did not offer me the RSL ticket. So, he truly is an Indian giver.

Until next time...

Did you just Indian Give that ticket?

So, the magic web site has matched you up with a beau, and messaging each other back and forth begins. While this is fun at first (because no one really uses email any more, and it's now an exciting use of a lost type of communication), it soon becomes cumbersome. Even with that smart iPhone of yours, you still have to open the app, go to the "messages" section, open the message, read, then respond. Even my Gmail account is easier to get into. I'm a busy girl. That extra 45 seconds is better spent somewhere else, like scrolling through instagram, but I digress. Mutually, you decide that it seems better to exchange numbers.

Texting begins.

A few days after you've been texting, things seem to be getting along nicely. Soon, one of you suggests to meet up. You've now discussed your likes and hobbies, so finding something to do on your first "date" shouldn't be difficult.

Today, I had one of these discussions. However, it left me scratching my head. It went something like this:

RSL Fan: "...Next week looks great...There's an RSL game and I haven't promised my other ticket to anyone yet."
Me: "That sounds like a lot of fun!"
RSL Fan: "I'm thinking we should meet up Tuesday or Wednesday evening and go from there."

Wait, what? I checked the schedule, and the game is on Saturday NOT Tuesday or Wednesday. Did he just "Indian Give" me that ticket? Oh, wow. What was that? Is he dangling it front of me for bait?

"Just maybe, MAYBE, if you're lucky, you can be the bearer of my extra ticket!"

"Geez! Thanks, RSL Fan! You're swell! I'm the luckiest girl in the world."

This is the exact conversation that I did not have with him. *shaking my head*

I can appreciate that a sporting event (especially soccer) wouldn't be the best venue for a first date where you're trying to get to know each other better. But, come on now. Why even bring up that you have the extra RSL ticket? It's not like I don't have friends that also would likely have extra tickets. Duh! How do you think I go to games? Pay for a ticket? Whatever. It's also possible that he wanted to keep the extra ticket open so he could take me to the game if we got along after the first "date." Perhaps he mentioned it because it is a Saturday night, and wanted to give me the heads up to maybe keep the night open. Hypothetically, if this was the case, does he honestly expect that I would keep my Saturday night open just in the off chance that he decides to ask me to the game? As if. Maybe he should have waited until Tuesday or Wednesday to bring this up. Now, I'll be curious the entire time to see if he will ask me to the game. Won't that be interesting?

We've agreed to meet up next week. So, stay tuned for that outcome.

Tonight's dating advice: Indian Giving is a dating faux pas. Just don't do it.

Until next time.

Internet Dating: Friend or Foe?

Like many single women my age, I've "resorted" to online dating. I don't know if I like using the word "resort" to describe it, though. Why does it have to have such a derogatory feeling? Let's take a look at our other options:

Picked up in a bar: Now, let's be honest ladies, the men that pick you up in a bar are far from classy. Sure, there may be a few exceptions. However, the guy offering to buy you a drink probably went there for that very reason: to pick up on chicks. Can't fault him for that, plus you're a catch. And hey! It's a free drink, right? But what about the beer goggle concept? Do you really want to be picked up on after he's had a few beers/mind erasers/glasses of wine/insert your favorite drink here? Hell, after a few beers I probably look as good as Angelina Joli. His inhibitions are more relaxed, which is probably why he approached your hot self to begin with, but it's far from flattering. He's probably looking to take you home right then. That's just not for me.

Your BFF's next-door neighbor: This sounds like the best set-up ever. Am I right? When you guys officially become a couple, you will get to hang out with each other all the time AND you will get to hang out with your BFF all the time. It is a win-win situation, like oh my god!! Well, that is until he stops calling you (because chances are he will). Then, what happens when you're at said BFF's house and you have those awkward run-ins? It's going to happen. You can either take the psycho stalker approach by banging on his door at 3 AM to ask him what happened or, you can become super sneaky and put your hidden CIA/ninja skills to use. For example, you now start peaking your head out the door before you leave to see if he's in the hallway. When he's not there, you begin tiptoeing down the hallway (Mission Impossible theme playing in the background, of course) peering around each corner, and then checking the parking lot for his car before you leave, just to make sure he didn't spot you. Do either of these options really sound appealing to you? Yeah, me neither.

Blind date through mutual friends: Now, there is nothing wrong with this one at all. In fact, I set up two of my very good friends two years ago, and they are still together and couldn't be happier. But, this is the exception to the rule. I was set up with my ex-husband through mutual friends...and look how well that turned out! If you don't like the person your dear friend set you up with, you not only have to explain it to the person, but also to the friend (two "it's not you, it's me" conversations? Pass). And what if it's the opposite? What if you really like the guy, but he's just not that into you? In either scenario, your friend has to be the “in-betweener” -- you know, the one you call to find out details? It's never a fun position to be in. Then you feel like you're twelve-years-old again when you ask, "Did he say anything about me? Does he like me?" Vomit.

Speed dating: get serious.


Your best man-friend's roommate: This is probably worse than your BFF's next door neighbor. Why, you ask? Think about it. You adore your man friend. His place is probably one you go to for relaxing, hanging out, watching a game, and/or the most recent YouTube sensation (queue Gangnam Style). You and the roommate soon start batting eyes at each other. Like the BFF and her next-door neighbor scenario, you get to hang out with your man friend and his mate all at the same time. It's all fun and games until it's not. If it ends badly...because it will, every relationship up to this point has...then what? Can you honestly just be friends? Are you going to have to boycott the man cave because Cupid's shot was off? What about the social gatherings? Are you going to be okay with him having another piece of arm candy? Highly doubtful. Sure, you could spike her drink, or act like a pretentious bitch around her, but that proves nothing (other than how amazingly smart and bitchy you are. WINNING!!). So, in this circumstance, you not only lose the mate, you now have to come up with a custody agreement for the man-friend: once a week and every other weekend. NEAT!!

Work: I have to admit, I work with quite a few good looking men. One of them (happily married, unfortunately for me), gave me the best advice ever: "You don't eat your meat where you buy your bread." Basically, just don't date co-workers. While there are a few cases where love has struck in the workplace, more times than not, it's going to end, and probably not in a good way. Let's not even begin to talk about the workplace rumors that will soon ensue. You're then left with the awesome fact that you have to see this person every day and every day are reminded just how much you dislike them. Everyone wants to see their ex daily, right? Um, well I don't. Just skip this as an option completely.

That brings us to online dating: This is a platform where you can be completely honest (or hopefully fairly honest). On here, you get to say what you're looking for in a mate, what your best features are, why someone should message you, etc. You get to be the salesperson for yourself, and who is better qualified? You post pictures of your choosing, take personality quizzes, and answer a bunch of random questions. You are then "matched up" by some algorithm set in place by some computer based on the answers to your questions. While this approach may first seem impersonal, it actually is the easiest on everyone. I would rather have a guy email me, and me never respond (and vice versa), then for me to have to fumble, being the super nice girl I am, to come up with some super lame excuse why I'm not interested. i.e. I’m a lesbian, I have a boyfriend (haha, right!). I’m thinking of joining a convent. Catch my drift? If a guy on one of these sites messages me, responding (or not responding) is super simple. Bald? Message deleted. Weird cat fetish? I'll pass. Proclaiming his douchebaggery by posting a picture of himself in the bathroom mirror with his shirt off? I'll take a look, but move on past it. Tony Stark look alike? Yes, please! "How YOU doing?" This situation is really ideal, because your feelings can't get overly hurt. It's so impersonal to say, "Hey, you're cute! Let's get to know each other," but it can be the start of something great.

Internet dating: friend or foe? I'm going to go with friend.

Welcome!

I was married for seven years to the "love" of my life. Turns out he was a toad, and not a prince. I was divorced when I was 26 (yes, that means I was much too young to get married in the first place, believe me, I know). Typically, this isn't an unusal age to be single. In Utah, however, the pickings have seemed to be few and far in between. After relaying many of my "adventures" about my "relationships" (yes, I am usuing quotations for a reason), my dear friend, we'll call her "Snookie," convinced me that I should start a blog to at least provide some form of entertainment. I am not sure who will read this, but I hope to make you chuckle a little bit. Of course, all "suitors'" names will be changed for their protection. :)

Until next time...